WEEKLY MEDITATION 3: A Meditation on Artistry

M.03.23

2040: A Meditation on Living with a Creative Mind

When we talk about artistry we are talking about another throughline that brings us closer to our true form of expression. Last year, my artistry relied on my consistent and conscious awareness that I'm an artist. This year my artistry relies on my health, if I am taking care of my body and mental fitness then I am creating to an extent.

Sometimes artistry comes from doing something besides your art and doing that one thing to the point you become a better artist for doing so. You simply become more inspired.

Last year was a creative milestone. I published a book. It felt good to get an idea from start to completion and share it with the world. As life would have it, this week I was in a state of inertia. I used this time to readjust my goals and be present during my physical and mental reset.

As I've stated this year, I put health at the top of my priority list. I have worked out, on average, three days out of the week (not including weekends). However, this week I only put in two days of PT during the week which is far from my four to five day goal.

Last quarter, I lost 15 pounds. At my ideal weight I'd like to stick to one long fast a week, it sounds like a routine I can maintain.

This year I have a few things on my bucket list:

• Weigh: 184 pounds.

• Complete a project (😶‍🌫️x😱)

• Aid script through production.

• Family more.

• Earn more.

The end of the month is around the corner, and I know at some point I will return to Daydreams & Nightmares with more poise and patience. This tape will be a magnum opus. I feel so close yet so far from completion, and I am doing my best to be patient and be grateful when the time comes to rerecord my vocals and my performances. The tape is coming naturally to me. I feel the balance of lyricism, bangers, super entendre bending raps that are multi-layered into a concept of dreaming in the daytime, vs. dreaming at night. My concerns are coming from how long it's taken me to rerecord vocals, though some set backs have been out of my control. AYNT has done nothing but provide an amazing canvas.

With my health coming back into play, it feels good to know the next time I lock in will be with a pure level of focus. I will be at my best.

In other news, I am constantly reminded that I'm a rap geek and care about the little nuances amongst our culture. Last month my wife and I watched Lupe's MIT Lecture and came up with our own acronyms for RAP:

Rhythm & Poetry

Rhyme & Pattern

Rhetoric & Perspective

Reason & Poignancy

Rebirth Attracts Penmanship

Revolutions Assassinate Prejudices

Recreating Attractive People

Real Ass People Spit

Realigning And Propagating

Reinterpreting Any Pragmatism

Lupe's:

Rhetorical Anthropological Philosophical

Relationships Assocations Parallels

Recognizing Analogous Patterns

Reconciling Adversarial Patterning

AYNT's:

Repurposing All Pain

R.A.P

-MCMXX

WEEKLY MEDITATION 2: A Meditation on Unplugging

M.02.23

The YouTube algorithm is too good. For the last month or so, Youtube has recommended the above YouTube channel and a digging in the crates type of experience on My Analog Journal.

Wagner spoke to my peers and I directly in his featured segment on a day with a street photographer. He talked about the importance of unplugging. When I was in college, I unplugged so much people would physically check in on me to see if I was okay. I would also miss out on great experiences with friends who were near my dorm room, in between breaks from classes, because they could not reach me. What I learned from unplugging was my initial 90's upbringing helped me not rely on experiences solely online and it was still pertinent to my daily routine.

Since COVID, I've sustained an unhealthy balance of living and living on the internet. This is based on my standards. Online shopping, scrolling, YouTube rabbit holes, and delving more deeply into learning mediums, than I do creating in those spaces.

Though I am rarely on social media, and I don't have any alerts on my phone for text messages, etc... I want to have a better relationship with my phone, as Wagner stated.

Last week, I used my phone seldomly and was at using my phone five times a day. I did not include any times where I texted my wife or family with responses that were immediate, in my opinion, when it comes to family communication.

When I think back to healthy relationships I have obtained with technology I revert back to a few things - blogs, my Apple Watch, my Echo, and my laptop.

90% of my laptop use is for creating - write scripts and books, record music, mix vocals/production, edit photos, and edit videos. I have a better relationship with my laptop than I do my phone.

I have this dream of getting rid of my phone for good and just using my Apple Watch. What keeps me in this matrix loophole is the fact that my phone has a very reliable and convenient GPS. Also, most of the blog posts that I write are through the Wix app, on my phone. I also draft scripts on my phone using the Scrivener app.

Reliable and convenient are two words I would use to define my phone dependency. At the highest of my priority list is productivity, but I don't feel productive with my phone in hand unless I am blogging or trading creative notes with my peers.

I would also like to add the word inspiration to the relationship I have with my phone. Recently, my groomsmen have created a productive space in our group chat where we text or send pictures first thing in the morning whenever we have entered our training spaces. My peers are helping me get there. This was one thing I had on my bucket list and subconsciously we all came together to make this a tangible thing - continuing to build on our long term relationship and holding each other accountable for our physical and mental health.

This year, I want to use my phone twice a day, outside of my communication with my wife and famiy. My first use, morning check in with my close friends, and creatives about physical and mental health, our routine, and our mood. Second, a check in before I go to bed (if needed) for any follow ups to any collaborative projects with my peers. In addition, a diary reflection in my phone of to do's, progress, epiphanies and ambitions in life and my creative space.

I find myself doing a lot of research on my phone too - mixing videos, places to visit, etc... This eventually turns into a whole rabbit hole of unnecessary phone use - twitter trends, insta bookmarks on mixing, hiphopdx scrolls, the works. I guess this year will be more about inspiration from my inner circle, and using my Apple Watch to text if needed, and keeping my hands away from distractions.

I guess this year will be more about inspiration from my inner circle, and using my Apple Watch to text if needed, and keeping my hands away from distractions.

I want to use my hands for inspiration, and action. If I use my hands recreationally, example an ocassional cigar, I want my mind to be able to wander outside of a screen.

A lot of growth can come from this simple action. I feel I suffer from brain fog when my hands get used to doing boring stuff. My hands haven't cooked in a while or picked up a book consistently. My hands have been scrolling and purchasing, and saving and downloading and this is making my hands and my mind... mindless. I catch myself double checking how to spell things, or looking for confirmation on google for things I already know. Almost like a child, asking my phone for permission to do things or confirm things, like we would with our parents or guardians.

I used to write and memorize lines and be able to articulate an idea on the same day, now I type things amd forget them and have to go back and read it. I don't know if full out notepads is the way to combat my creative relatonship with my phone. When I go hiking on weekends or on a long walk on rest days I can use that time to think and process. My goal is to find a balance so that my ideas aren't only coming from a phone or being stored in a phone, my mind also is involved and I am becoming more mindful.

Here's to getting 1% better everyday. Here's to more intimacy with our thoughts and our actions. Here's to death of infinite scrolls.

Here's to not using our phones around people we are sharing experiences with, especially around our kids. If we see kids becoming addicted to technology, how can we correct it if it's in our hand just as much as them?

Like Shay J used to tell me, we look down on our phones so much... when's the last time we looked up for inspiration? Looked at the sky for inspiration or nature? Here's to looking straight ahead or more upwards then we look downward.

1.11.22

-MCMXX

WEEKLY MEDITATION 1: A Meditation on Masculinity

M.01.2023

Every month or so I soak up game that Jaden Smith left behind when he was in his SYRE bag. What I liked the most was his roll out for visuals. When he brought it back with ERYS, instead of using the grandeur approach for visuals like his production team did for Fallen and Ninety, he minimalized his approach creating an authentic pocket they deemed as, "visualizers," gif style visual one-takes that last for 8 seconds then loop until the song is complete. This resonates with me because I want visual branding to act as a comfort food, in most regards. Visualizers are something we don't need to stare at the whole time, it's just enough to carry on the experience.

No matter how young Jaden Smith is or how he is perceived to others, I check in. Recently I came across this tweet he left with not a lot of context, just some link to a tab for an evolving part of his brand's site/blog consisting of various thumbnail links to esoteric knowledge on MSFTSREPS site coined Mystery School.

I want to bring that feel back. The energy I used to feel on the Lakeshore Drive Blog, OVO blogspot, Eddie Haung's old blog, the voice of Allie Conti and Pablo Torre, and of course Bobby Hundreds' blog. I've even gone as far to use zips for some of my songs and mixtapes, and just fill viewers in on different perspectives while Im emmersed in a project, in real time. I've always wanted to give viewers real tangible knowledge that I'm receiving in real time to cut back on any additional research someone might need to do when they are in the same creative position. I want to cultivate a streamline of knowledge that cuts your research time in half. So much more work to do in that realm, but hearing Jaden state vaguely that we can go deeper in this medium or space had me reflect on my intentions for blogging in the future.

Around this time, Shay J hit me up about evolving the 2040 novel into an audio book and even some kind of audio and visual representation. He wasn't pushy about it, and what's crazy is whenever my friends who are also creatives want to collaborate its very organic in this matter. It goes from, "Hey if the stars align," to the stars aligning. Daydreams x Nightmares spawned in the same organic spirit.

We had been bonding over the Real Ones podcast episode with Shia Lebouf. We started to discuss how Jon Bernthal could bring a level of directness and honesty to the table and how their wasn't really an AA for artists. There wasn't this artist anonymous hub where creatives can discuss their identity in and out of their craft and how there is life outside of art and tools we can bring from those experiences into worlds outside of the craft.

Shay J has always been my connector. He hipped me to two of my favorite writers, KA and Milo. The list goes on, he was the one who also sent me the podcast video, way before we were both ready to sit and give it our full attention. Recently, he sent me the Stutz film directed by Jonah Hill. Shay J had hipped me to shadow work and we had been building on the concept for the last two years or so.

Shay J and I discussed a side project that could benefit the audiobook and audio/visuals for 2040: A Meditation on Living with a Creative Mind where we had conversations about building our identity and values outside of our craft. Dialogue would consist of concepts like imposture syndrome but flipping it on its head; A way to reverse engineer concepts that have one meaning but when you dig deeper and actually define these passed around concepts that have no concrete or tangible outlooks they end up having a completely new meaning which in turn becomes more meaningful.

If I do get to 52 meditations this year, a meditation for each week of the year, I want to start off by reverse engineering or meditating on, "Toxic Masculinity."

On a song for Daydreams x Nightmares, I have a line where I say, "Trust I lost in my father make me a toxic man? Couldn't tell 'til now I kept it bottled in." I'm a firm believer that you can't write the rhyme, you have to become it. I meditated on the bar. One, because after seeing the film, Stutz, I understood the concept of The Maze and how leading with an open heart is the best policy. When we forgive and build to where we want to be at with ourselves and others, it helps us grow and get rid of any resentment that is holding us back. Two, I meditated on this bar because toxic is far from what any man or woman would use as a characteristic to define me.

In a sense, I was reverse engineering the concept of toxic masculinity. Toxic as it is worldy defined is a detriment to any person, not only men, and any person they come across. Nonetheless, what I felt was as defining is when there is something preventing a person from becoming the best version of themselves. The latter is how I am approaching the term toxic, moving forward.

What has become toxic for myself as a man, what has prevented me from becoming the best version of myself, was a lack of self love, a lack of expressing myself in the moment, and a lack of self preservation and confidence.

In my eyes this is what can be as toxic for men - not being able to look another man in the eye. Letting others define you and put a chip on our shoulder. Feeling like nothing we do is ever good enough, not being able to live in the moment. Feeling like we don't deserve things - a relationship, a certain job or opportunity. Having insecurities that prevent us from growth. Not sticking up for ourselves or not being able to maneuver through conflict. Going 0 to 100 without realizing the impact we have on others. Cutting people off without first giving them tools to become a better version of themselves moving forward or having people stick around longer than what is healthy for us.

The list in the previous paragraph is all of my toxic waste. Some people credit the traditional sense of toxicity forming from the hurt caused by a partner, infedility, witnessed early in their life. Some feel toxicity also forms from being taught to be over confident in superficial ways or being taught to be wreckless early in life - flying too close to the sun, like Icarus. Though my father has made me the man I am today, I reflected on the lack of self that derived from a lack of intimacy, vulnerability, and empathy from my father.

Regardless of the why, it's as important to reflect on what it means to be solid in these times. Often enough we reflect on the wrong pseudo concepts of what a man should be, instead of what is still a great model to exemplify. For some men, toxicity looks like it looks to all people on the surface, over performing what it means to be a man. For myself and a few others out there, the conversation is leading us to regain the ability to grow as men who will lead our kids and the next generation.

My father taught me principles. He taught me things like how to play chess. I remember when I played baseball, whenever I played one of the best teams in the nation they always asked me mid season to join them. He would bring it up to me and tell me off principle I can't. Never quit on something you start even if there's a better opportunity out there. That's not what men do. Finish what you started. If you want to join afterwards you can. This taught me self worth. My father also taught me whenever I am traveling, even if I'm just in the passenger seat, make sure I know how to get back home or to safety. He also coached me throughout my life, in two sports, before I went to high school. My male friends, especially my male friend Azor, taught me a lot about how to be a man. My mother also gave me the street smarts I needed to survive in this world as a black male.

My father and my first neighborhood, also taught me not to run away from my problems. Something I have become better at over the years. I didn't stop getting into physcial fights, until my father told me I was tough enough to let things go. I guess once I built that toughness and stamina, he felt I could it keep it in me and not always show it... but I needed my shoes in the game first. He also taught me to never start fights, but stand ten toes when I had to. My father also let me play football at the age of five because I begged him to let me play. He gave me a safe space to be tough and learn discipline through sports, and how to become a leader... how to lead by example by putting the work in.

The world is different now, throwing hands rarely exist. Its a knife or a gun nowadays. Back then, when you got in a fight in a neighborhood and the neighborhood contained the right kind of crowd that was about three to five years older than you they would regulate the situation. Let you fight it out, but you also had to shake on it afterwards. My father though he was very hard on me, and showed me examples of what not to do, he also made me a man with guiding principles. Most times it felt more indirect, like there was a generational gap keeping us from having deep talks about all things I would have liked to gain knowledge about... and just moments to look back on in the future and be proud we shared conversations I'd remember forever. I guess that's why I wrote 2040, to leave conversations behind with my kids if they ever needed that comfort and they didn't express the need for it at that time. Maybe my words in written form would bring more comfort.

In this day and age we have to rebuild what it means to be masculine and majority of the traditional foundations of manhood are vital.

I'm doing my own shadow work. As we move through the new year, can we meditate on Yang energy? When we hear toxic masculinity, before we roll our eyes can we think to ourselves what is preventing us from becoming the best version of ourselves? If someone can't move in the world as a man, is it as detrimental as moving in the world as what someone who is not the best version of a man has taught us and holding onto this image for the rest of our life? What is preventing us from becoming stand up men? For me it was not making eye contact, not having enough confidence, not sticking up for myself, not addressing problems and being upfront and direct when conflict arises. We have a lot of examples of what a man looks like. Jon Bernthal, Tom Hardy, yeah these men are revered but they would tell you like I would tell you what examples in ourselves are we lacking or not commiting to fully?

Thanks again Jaden,

01.02.22

-MCMXX